funny jokes, video etc

[pet]

... hahahhaa.... Jia Ka Ki... hahaha

[R-oyster]

The Norwegian Wrestler

A Russian and a Norwegian wrestler (just happened to be named Ole) were set to
Square off for the Olympic Gold medal.

Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now,
Don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match
Because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in
That hold! If he does, you're finished." Ole nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking
For an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and
Wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.. A sigh of disappointment arose from
The crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He
Couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised
His eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the
Mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the
Match.

The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at DA
Last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my
Face. I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my
Neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could.."

So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"

"Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!"
__________________

[Oceanklassik]

[RTS]

A Junior Philosopher..

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with
your gun, how many would be left?"
"None.", replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three
women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one
Licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her
cone, which one is married?
Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But
I like the way you are thinking".
The Teacher Fainted...

[pet]

Mod, pls delete if inappropriate. TIA.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KFfLhHx0Z1s

hahahahha melons

[z1971]

How to say too small in sign language

Mod, pls delete if inappropriate. TIA.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KFfLhHx0Z1s

[Oceanklassik]

A bus stopped and 2 Italian men got on. They sat down and engaged in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignored them at first, but her attention was galvanized when she heard one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pigs," retorted the lady indignantly. In this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives........."

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

[Oceanklassik]

Kevin woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Kevin had to force his eyes open, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Kevin sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looked around the room and saw that it was order, spotlessly clean. So was the rest of the house. He took the aspirins and noticed he had a black eye from the mirror in the toilet. Then he noticed a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Mabel"

He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son was also at the table, eating.

Kevin asked, "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 4 AM, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hall, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replied, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table $249/=
Hot Breakfast $5/=
Two Aspirins $1.20/=
Saying the right thing, at the right time.

PRICELESS!!!

[Oceanklassik]

Nurses aren't suppose to laugh...

'Of course I won't laugh, said the nurse.. I'm a professional.
In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then,' said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than the a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.

Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.

'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?'

...'It's swollen,' Fred replied.

She ran out of the room.

---------------------------------------------------------------

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. � You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. .
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.
*********
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

*********
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
�Wow,� she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
*********
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are
drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.
�Oh, mercy me!� she exclaims, �I can hardly stand it!�
*********
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are
drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
*********
Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

[Oceanklassik]

The wife, fresh from shower, stood in front of the mirror and complained to the husband that her breasts were too small. Instead of telling her it's not so, he suggested, "If you want your breasts to grow, then everyday take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for few seconds".

Willing to try anything, wife fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," husband replied.

"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my them larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat, husband said, "Worked for
your a*se, didn't it?"

---------------------------------------------------------------

There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"

And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.

The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"

There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"

[Oceanklassik]

For TGIF

Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of an heart attack. As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her dead husband rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don't do something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral,

The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed behind, The mortician can't believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he does it. During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye, but the widow assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed,

Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans in and whispers in the dead man's ear, ' It HURTS, doesn't it ?'

---------------------------------------------------------------

A husband and wife decided they needed to use 'code' to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word 'Typewriter'

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, 'Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter'.

The child told her mommy what her daddy said, and her mommy responded, 'Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red letter ribbon in the typewriter.' The child went back to tell her daddy what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, 'Tell daddy that he can type that letter now.'

The child told her daddy, returned to her mommy and announced. 'Daddy said nevermind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand,'

[Oceanklassik]

Susan and Rebecca were outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it started to rain. Susan pulled out a condom, cuts off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Rebecca: What in the hell is that?

Susan: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Rebecca: Where did you get it?

Susan: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Rebecca hobbled herself into the local pharmacy and said to the pharmacist that she wanted a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looked at her strangely (Rebecca was after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asked what brand of condom she preferred.

"Doesn't matter sonny, as long as it fits on a CAMEL."

The pharmacist fainted!

[Oceanklassik]

For tuesday

An old couple, both well in their 80s, went to a sex therapist office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raised both eyebrows, but he was so amazed that such an elderly couple was asking for sexual advice that he agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.."

He thanked them for coming, wished them good luck and charged them $50. The next week, the same couple returned and asked the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist was a bit puzzled, but agreed. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple made an appointment, had intercourse with no problems, paid the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor said, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married; so we can't go to her house. I'm married; and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98; Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.

[Oceanklassik]

[pet]

Management Lesson number One

A crow was sitting in a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.




Lesson Number Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy.
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients.
" The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson: Bull**** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.




Lesson Number Three

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the
brain about and get him to where he wants to go."
The Hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up.
All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the ****!

Management Lesson: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.




Lesson Number Four

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realise how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung and promptly dug him out and ate him!

Management Lesson: Not everyone who drops **** on you is your enemy. Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend. And when you're in deep ****, keep your mouth shut!